Friday, May 18, 2012

Building on a firm foundation

I've been trying to figure out how to write about my joy at the return of pantyhose to fashion.  Trying to write about it in a way that doesn't set womankind back a century, and have feminists the world over hurling flaming rocks and arrows at me. 

I live in a small suburban city, and well, I can't go anywhere without running into someone from the PTSA, or church, or the neighborhood.  Mostly I like that.  But when I get on a soapbox and raise ire, I'd rather I lived in a large metropolitan area.  You should have seen the fallout when I wrote a letter to the editor of our small town newspaper about enforcing the no dogs at the farmers market regulation.  It went on for most of that summer.  (I'm not sorry I did it though - and clearly I'm a dog lover, which you know if you've read any of my posts)

Pantyhose are fabulous.  Before the pantyhose, we had the girdle.  Before the girdle we had the corset.  And hoopskirts.  When seen in that light, pantyhose seem rather tame.  Not the torture device we had come to regard them as. 

At first, I embraced the loss of pantyhose, though I always wore them to the office if I wore a skirt. Of course, without the pantyhose came the return of the pantyline.  Not attractive.  Nobody looks good with a pantyline.  Just check out re-runs of Starsky and Hutch.  Lots of pantylines.  Very unattractive.  The thong panty promised some relief from the pantyline...but came with a surprise.  With actually nothing covering the bum, well the bum as it turns out - I'm just going to say it - the bum flobbles. 

There I said it.  It flobbles.  You know what I'm talking about too.  You know when you are walking down the street and your bum is swaying side to side (bum cheeks, not hips) and bum cheeks are bouncing up and down at the same time.  Here's an ugly truth.  If you can feel it, everyone else can see it. 

Now before you go getting all upset and cancelling your subscription to this blog, bear with me.  I freely admit to the flobble.  I flobble.  Which is why I bought spanx.  Which I find to be more uncomfortable than pantyhose.  And a darn sight more expensive.

Lets be clear.  All women flobble.  Except for maybe the extreme bodybuilder woman who can crack walnuts with her bum cheeks.  Nope, she probably flobbles too. 

The solution is simple though.  And it doesn't have to cost a fortune either.  Leggs Sheer Energy.  That's all it takes.  $6.00 a pair.  Slip 'em on and something wonderful happens.  Yes, tushy is firm.  But so are thighs.  And you know what else?

I thought I was going to grow old gracefully.  That was my plan.  My skin, has other ideas.  It's become rather transparent.  Which means, in addition to my veins showing, my lovely dark leg hair is now visible under the skin.  My perfectly shaved and smooth leg looks like it hasn't seen a razor for several days.  I've tried everything under the sun.  Waxing - caused unsightly ingrown hairs.  Depilatories = chemical burn.  Shaving started to cause ingrown hairs.  Shaving with an electric razor...same thing.  Tweezing the ingrown hairs out caused scarring.  Which caused more ingrown hairs.  TMI I know.

But a nice pair of pantyhose, a nice suntan shade, and all of a sudden my legs are nubile.  Smooth, silky, pretty, and as mentioned above, not flobblish. 

So there you are.  Ladies, embrace the foundation garment.  The wise man builds his house upon the rocks. 

Oh, hope I don't twist an ankle stepping down off this soap box.

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